I really want to make more of an effort with this blog. I've been using it so far as a diary of sorts. The writing hasn't been very good and my thoughts are very jumbled. I have a tendency to ramble.
I want to be able to write coherently and intelligently. I hope I won't disappoint despite the fact that I have no readers. Maybe one day I will have some and these older posts will hopefully not be something to be ashamed of.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Social Anxiety
It is the middle of the night again and I can't sleep. My brain keeps ticking, it seems to go into overdrive when I want the most to sleep. It is so common, I could fall asleep at any time during the day until mid afternoon but after that I'm wide awake until 5am no matter what time I woke up.
I spend a lot of time alone thinking and I put together social situations in my head where I come out on top and am behaving perfectly. The problem is I have terrible social anxiety. I think it stems from trust issues. I feel like I analyze myself constantly, I probably could have a degree in psychology.
Because of my social anxiety I tend to shy away from going out and spending time with people. I have trust issues when I go out I constantly panic about what people's intentions are. I've had some serious things happen to me growing up that made me distrust people and I've never really gotten over it.
The only time I feel really comfortable around anyone, without the aid of alcohol, is when I'm at work because I know what people want from me. When I'm out on my own and I see people look at me or try to approach me I want to run away. I'm not worried about being hurt, but I just really don't want to talk to them.
I realize that the way I look can draw some attention and the way I dress isn't exactly normal so people think I might be more outgoing than I am. I try to tone it down but I don't put that much thought into what others might think about what I wear because I just love clothes, and I love makeup. I put it on for myself but I know that it might look like I'm making an effort to attract attention.
What I notice the most are the looks from guys, while it might be a nice ego boost it always makes me feel confused because I was raised in a fundamentalist home where I was constantly told that if I draw attention from men it is my fault. If men lusted after me because of what I wore I was the one to blame. It has left me very messed up and no matter how much distance I put between myself, my past and what I was taught I can't seem to get over this hurdle.
I recently got back to work and am feeling pretty comfortable, I work with mostly women but there is one guy who works there that I have yet to work with but I've seen going in to get my paycheck and during some of our training.
I know he has a slight crush on me and I'm not being paranoid. I notice when I go in he has that look, his eyes light up and he constantly stares. I am very flattered and it is all very innocent as he never invades my personal space or anything like that but I'm not equipped to handle this kind of situation. I'm not really equipped to deal with many situations as I was pretty much groomed to just be a wife and mother.
I was homeschooled after 6th grade and was told that I was supposed to get married as soon as I could so I could start a family. I never wanted any of that. All I ever wanted was to get away from it but it was difficult to get away from years of isolation. While I was never lonely I spent most of my time alone because I didn't want to have to listen to reasons why I needed to buckle down and find someone. I was a teenager and I only wanted control over my own life, I didn't want to have to just switch from my parents to some man controlling me.
Basically it all boils down to strange men make me uncomfortable. I have some control issues and trust issues because I was told never to trust men but to let them take control. Where does that leave me when a guy has a crush on me and I have to see them occasionally? Well maybe this time I will handle it okay without making a mess of it. The last time at another place I worked a young guy who worked with me had quite the crush on me and I did my best to keep my distance but as his boss I had to make sure he did his job. He was a hard worker so every compliment was taken as something more. I felt way too old for him but things were strained before I left that job because I know I didn't handle it quite so well. I moved on and found out he quit shortly after.
Time will only tell if this is just a short lived crush or another train wreck about to happen. I wish I could do things without worrying about these stupid little issues, I wish I hadn't been told over and over again that men only want one thing. I've had male friends that I didn't sleep with and they had no intention of sleeping with me either. So I know it can happen but the fear of messes keeps me from venturing out, keeps me from wanting to talk to people.
I suppose it doesn't really matter if I ever "get it" because I'm pretty happy spending my time alone. I've never really understood what it was like to feel lonely or what people were talking about when they talked about wanting someone so desperately and fearing about dying alone. I've always been quite content to just do things on my own.
I spend a lot of time alone thinking and I put together social situations in my head where I come out on top and am behaving perfectly. The problem is I have terrible social anxiety. I think it stems from trust issues. I feel like I analyze myself constantly, I probably could have a degree in psychology.
Because of my social anxiety I tend to shy away from going out and spending time with people. I have trust issues when I go out I constantly panic about what people's intentions are. I've had some serious things happen to me growing up that made me distrust people and I've never really gotten over it.
The only time I feel really comfortable around anyone, without the aid of alcohol, is when I'm at work because I know what people want from me. When I'm out on my own and I see people look at me or try to approach me I want to run away. I'm not worried about being hurt, but I just really don't want to talk to them.
I realize that the way I look can draw some attention and the way I dress isn't exactly normal so people think I might be more outgoing than I am. I try to tone it down but I don't put that much thought into what others might think about what I wear because I just love clothes, and I love makeup. I put it on for myself but I know that it might look like I'm making an effort to attract attention.
What I notice the most are the looks from guys, while it might be a nice ego boost it always makes me feel confused because I was raised in a fundamentalist home where I was constantly told that if I draw attention from men it is my fault. If men lusted after me because of what I wore I was the one to blame. It has left me very messed up and no matter how much distance I put between myself, my past and what I was taught I can't seem to get over this hurdle.
I recently got back to work and am feeling pretty comfortable, I work with mostly women but there is one guy who works there that I have yet to work with but I've seen going in to get my paycheck and during some of our training.
I know he has a slight crush on me and I'm not being paranoid. I notice when I go in he has that look, his eyes light up and he constantly stares. I am very flattered and it is all very innocent as he never invades my personal space or anything like that but I'm not equipped to handle this kind of situation. I'm not really equipped to deal with many situations as I was pretty much groomed to just be a wife and mother.
I was homeschooled after 6th grade and was told that I was supposed to get married as soon as I could so I could start a family. I never wanted any of that. All I ever wanted was to get away from it but it was difficult to get away from years of isolation. While I was never lonely I spent most of my time alone because I didn't want to have to listen to reasons why I needed to buckle down and find someone. I was a teenager and I only wanted control over my own life, I didn't want to have to just switch from my parents to some man controlling me.
Basically it all boils down to strange men make me uncomfortable. I have some control issues and trust issues because I was told never to trust men but to let them take control. Where does that leave me when a guy has a crush on me and I have to see them occasionally? Well maybe this time I will handle it okay without making a mess of it. The last time at another place I worked a young guy who worked with me had quite the crush on me and I did my best to keep my distance but as his boss I had to make sure he did his job. He was a hard worker so every compliment was taken as something more. I felt way too old for him but things were strained before I left that job because I know I didn't handle it quite so well. I moved on and found out he quit shortly after.
Time will only tell if this is just a short lived crush or another train wreck about to happen. I wish I could do things without worrying about these stupid little issues, I wish I hadn't been told over and over again that men only want one thing. I've had male friends that I didn't sleep with and they had no intention of sleeping with me either. So I know it can happen but the fear of messes keeps me from venturing out, keeps me from wanting to talk to people.
I suppose it doesn't really matter if I ever "get it" because I'm pretty happy spending my time alone. I've never really understood what it was like to feel lonely or what people were talking about when they talked about wanting someone so desperately and fearing about dying alone. I've always been quite content to just do things on my own.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Abusive Ex Boyfriend
I recently found out that my ex boyfriend has been abusing the girlfriend that he got after me and I'm shocked. He hurt her badly enough to leave lasting damage that she will have to live with the rest of her life and I hope that she is able to stay away from him now that she has left him.
The more I think about our relationship, if that is what you can call it, the more I see huge signs that he was abusive. We didn't date for long which might be one of the reasons he never hit me.
I know a lot about abusive men and have done a lot of research just because I never wanted to fall victim to one. The problem is that those guys/girls are sneaky and masters at manipulation.
The thing is, even though he never raised a hand to me, I'm really confused. I don't feel victimized but I wonder why he never hit me, I wonder why he held back.
From the beginning things were textbook when it came to the start of an abusive relationship. I was in a vulnerable place, alone and shattered after a traumatic experience. I had been raped less than a year earlier and moved 2500 miles to get away from the horrible drama of staying where I was. I knew no one and spent most of my time online as I'm not good in socializing anywhere else. I chatted with him online and I found out he lived on the other side of town, I even told him my story. At the time it was almost a test to see if it would scare him away. When he kept chatting with me I assumed it meant he wasn't scared by my issues and I agreed to a date.
We met in a public place, the date ended well but I put the brakes on doing anything physical with him despite knowing he wanted to. I was kind of seeing another guy at the time and I still wonder why I didn't just stick with him because when I look back he was the better of the two. I think that at the time I wasn't ready for anything serious and I knew this other guy was looking for a wife and that wasn't me.
So I went out again with, I'll call him J, and this time we went back to his and things progressed physically between us. I had no complaints and felt as though I could really like this guy. He was fun, eccentric, funny, and interested in a lot of the same things that I was.
From there things moved really fast, he convinced me to move in with him, I was okay with that as I wanted to save some money and it felt fiscally responsible. He even got me a job working with him which would have meant that he was with me at all times but I didn't give up my other job. I have always been independent and needed my own thing so nothing he could do or say convinced me to quit. We spent a lot of time with mutual friends, they took a liking to me and ended up wanting to hang out with me on my own without him sometimes.
Despite my issues with being social and keeping to myself he was unable to isolate me from people. I don't know if I have "lost puppy" stamped on my forehead but no matter where I have gone I have always met someone who was willing to lend me a helping hand if I was in crisis.
After a few months he got a job in another state, a 14 hour drive away, and he convinced me to go with him as I had no real ties where we were living. Once again I made a friend with the next door neighbor and I knew if I was in crisis she would be there for me as I would be there for her. I was lucky to make a permanent friend out of her.
When I look back at our time there I see it always being about him, his friends, his work, etc. Only his friends took a liking to me as well. I now know he was trying to manipulate me but because I was distant emotionally he tried other ways to get to me. He tried to make me jealous and tried to keep a short leash on me but I resisted. I liked the guy he pretended to be when things were good but there were times when I couldn't stand to be near him. He couldn't withhold affection to get to me because I didn't want it.
After six months he finally figured out how to get to me and he slept with someone else. I was actually tempted to hit him when I found out but I held back. I'm beginning to think that he knew I wasn't scared of a punch and that I would fight back like an animal trapped in a corner.
I'm still surprised that I even got involved with a guy that hits women and I wish I could have done something to warn his new ex girlfriend about what little I knew. He was a bastard, he lied to get what he wanted and he tried to turn mutual friends against me. I think the problem was that everyone knew he was a liar and everyone knew that I was exactly as I was, what you see is what you get. So needless to say they never turned their backs on me, although he still hung out with us because he still was that fun person in those group settings.
I still can see him trying to get near me and touch me with his new girlfriend in the other room. I remember how disgusted I was that I dated such a sleaze. I just didn't know how much of a terrible person he really was.
I can't help but wonder what kept him from trying to hit me. Was it because of my emotional distance? My ability to go without physical affection? I've had issues with getting close to anyone for a long time and I've never been afraid to be alone. Was it because he knew my story and that I was willing to up and leave with just the clothing on my back for a fresh start and he knew I would do it again if I needed to? Maybe the roles had been reversed and he didn't get what he bargained for with me. I wonder if he thought I'd be an easy target given my history and I turned out to be different.
I know that smart women get trapped in abusive relationships and that it could happen to anyone, I just can't wrap my head around why it didn't happen to me. If I knew I would spread the word and let people know but the only thing I can think of is that my emotional and physical distance has kept me from it. I'm a loner, I don't like being touched, I could sit for hours in silence with someone and be fine with it. I don't fear being alone the rest of my life, if I never get married I'm okay with it. Maybe my social retardation is what has kept me from ending up there.
I've lived in bad places and worked in worse, I took kick boxing for a few years and carried a weapon to protect myself. I've never really trusted anyone and to many it would be a lonely life but I like it this way. I always liked living in my own head without having to answer to anyone. I'm almost 30 and I've become quite comfortable with myself, I do have a serious boyfriend and we have been together for a while now. We have been through many things and I trust this one, he lets me be me and puts up with my quirks. I feel fortunate that I didn't get trapped by J and I know that it probably has a lot to do with the timing and the way things worked out, that I didn't.
He is a bastard and his life is not a good one. I've heard that a lot of his friends are severing ties with him and he is getting his due. I have no feelings of anger or bitterness towards him. I just can't believe I dated a man who beats women. If I had met him 10 years ago I may have become a victim of his.
This rambling note still hasn't cleared anything up for me but it feels good to get it out there and if anyone learns anything from this I hope it helps.
The more I think about our relationship, if that is what you can call it, the more I see huge signs that he was abusive. We didn't date for long which might be one of the reasons he never hit me.
I know a lot about abusive men and have done a lot of research just because I never wanted to fall victim to one. The problem is that those guys/girls are sneaky and masters at manipulation.
The thing is, even though he never raised a hand to me, I'm really confused. I don't feel victimized but I wonder why he never hit me, I wonder why he held back.
From the beginning things were textbook when it came to the start of an abusive relationship. I was in a vulnerable place, alone and shattered after a traumatic experience. I had been raped less than a year earlier and moved 2500 miles to get away from the horrible drama of staying where I was. I knew no one and spent most of my time online as I'm not good in socializing anywhere else. I chatted with him online and I found out he lived on the other side of town, I even told him my story. At the time it was almost a test to see if it would scare him away. When he kept chatting with me I assumed it meant he wasn't scared by my issues and I agreed to a date.
We met in a public place, the date ended well but I put the brakes on doing anything physical with him despite knowing he wanted to. I was kind of seeing another guy at the time and I still wonder why I didn't just stick with him because when I look back he was the better of the two. I think that at the time I wasn't ready for anything serious and I knew this other guy was looking for a wife and that wasn't me.
So I went out again with, I'll call him J, and this time we went back to his and things progressed physically between us. I had no complaints and felt as though I could really like this guy. He was fun, eccentric, funny, and interested in a lot of the same things that I was.
From there things moved really fast, he convinced me to move in with him, I was okay with that as I wanted to save some money and it felt fiscally responsible. He even got me a job working with him which would have meant that he was with me at all times but I didn't give up my other job. I have always been independent and needed my own thing so nothing he could do or say convinced me to quit. We spent a lot of time with mutual friends, they took a liking to me and ended up wanting to hang out with me on my own without him sometimes.
Despite my issues with being social and keeping to myself he was unable to isolate me from people. I don't know if I have "lost puppy" stamped on my forehead but no matter where I have gone I have always met someone who was willing to lend me a helping hand if I was in crisis.
After a few months he got a job in another state, a 14 hour drive away, and he convinced me to go with him as I had no real ties where we were living. Once again I made a friend with the next door neighbor and I knew if I was in crisis she would be there for me as I would be there for her. I was lucky to make a permanent friend out of her.
When I look back at our time there I see it always being about him, his friends, his work, etc. Only his friends took a liking to me as well. I now know he was trying to manipulate me but because I was distant emotionally he tried other ways to get to me. He tried to make me jealous and tried to keep a short leash on me but I resisted. I liked the guy he pretended to be when things were good but there were times when I couldn't stand to be near him. He couldn't withhold affection to get to me because I didn't want it.
After six months he finally figured out how to get to me and he slept with someone else. I was actually tempted to hit him when I found out but I held back. I'm beginning to think that he knew I wasn't scared of a punch and that I would fight back like an animal trapped in a corner.
I'm still surprised that I even got involved with a guy that hits women and I wish I could have done something to warn his new ex girlfriend about what little I knew. He was a bastard, he lied to get what he wanted and he tried to turn mutual friends against me. I think the problem was that everyone knew he was a liar and everyone knew that I was exactly as I was, what you see is what you get. So needless to say they never turned their backs on me, although he still hung out with us because he still was that fun person in those group settings.
I still can see him trying to get near me and touch me with his new girlfriend in the other room. I remember how disgusted I was that I dated such a sleaze. I just didn't know how much of a terrible person he really was.
I can't help but wonder what kept him from trying to hit me. Was it because of my emotional distance? My ability to go without physical affection? I've had issues with getting close to anyone for a long time and I've never been afraid to be alone. Was it because he knew my story and that I was willing to up and leave with just the clothing on my back for a fresh start and he knew I would do it again if I needed to? Maybe the roles had been reversed and he didn't get what he bargained for with me. I wonder if he thought I'd be an easy target given my history and I turned out to be different.
I know that smart women get trapped in abusive relationships and that it could happen to anyone, I just can't wrap my head around why it didn't happen to me. If I knew I would spread the word and let people know but the only thing I can think of is that my emotional and physical distance has kept me from it. I'm a loner, I don't like being touched, I could sit for hours in silence with someone and be fine with it. I don't fear being alone the rest of my life, if I never get married I'm okay with it. Maybe my social retardation is what has kept me from ending up there.
I've lived in bad places and worked in worse, I took kick boxing for a few years and carried a weapon to protect myself. I've never really trusted anyone and to many it would be a lonely life but I like it this way. I always liked living in my own head without having to answer to anyone. I'm almost 30 and I've become quite comfortable with myself, I do have a serious boyfriend and we have been together for a while now. We have been through many things and I trust this one, he lets me be me and puts up with my quirks. I feel fortunate that I didn't get trapped by J and I know that it probably has a lot to do with the timing and the way things worked out, that I didn't.
He is a bastard and his life is not a good one. I've heard that a lot of his friends are severing ties with him and he is getting his due. I have no feelings of anger or bitterness towards him. I just can't believe I dated a man who beats women. If I had met him 10 years ago I may have become a victim of his.
This rambling note still hasn't cleared anything up for me but it feels good to get it out there and if anyone learns anything from this I hope it helps.
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