I recently found out that my ex boyfriend has been abusing the girlfriend that he got after me and I'm shocked. He hurt her badly enough to leave lasting damage that she will have to live with the rest of her life and I hope that she is able to stay away from him now that she has left him.
The more I think about our relationship, if that is what you can call it, the more I see huge signs that he was abusive. We didn't date for long which might be one of the reasons he never hit me.
I know a lot about abusive men and have done a lot of research just because I never wanted to fall victim to one. The problem is that those guys/girls are sneaky and masters at manipulation.
The thing is, even though he never raised a hand to me, I'm really confused. I don't feel victimized but I wonder why he never hit me, I wonder why he held back.
From the beginning things were textbook when it came to the start of an abusive relationship. I was in a vulnerable place, alone and shattered after a traumatic experience. I had been raped less than a year earlier and moved 2500 miles to get away from the horrible drama of staying where I was. I knew no one and spent most of my time online as I'm not good in socializing anywhere else. I chatted with him online and I found out he lived on the other side of town, I even told him my story. At the time it was almost a test to see if it would scare him away. When he kept chatting with me I assumed it meant he wasn't scared by my issues and I agreed to a date.
We met in a public place, the date ended well but I put the brakes on doing anything physical with him despite knowing he wanted to. I was kind of seeing another guy at the time and I still wonder why I didn't just stick with him because when I look back he was the better of the two. I think that at the time I wasn't ready for anything serious and I knew this other guy was looking for a wife and that wasn't me.
So I went out again with, I'll call him J, and this time we went back to his and things progressed physically between us. I had no complaints and felt as though I could really like this guy. He was fun, eccentric, funny, and interested in a lot of the same things that I was.
From there things moved really fast, he convinced me to move in with him, I was okay with that as I wanted to save some money and it felt fiscally responsible. He even got me a job working with him which would have meant that he was with me at all times but I didn't give up my other job. I have always been independent and needed my own thing so nothing he could do or say convinced me to quit. We spent a lot of time with mutual friends, they took a liking to me and ended up wanting to hang out with me on my own without him sometimes.
Despite my issues with being social and keeping to myself he was unable to isolate me from people. I don't know if I have "lost puppy" stamped on my forehead but no matter where I have gone I have always met someone who was willing to lend me a helping hand if I was in crisis.
After a few months he got a job in another state, a 14 hour drive away, and he convinced me to go with him as I had no real ties where we were living. Once again I made a friend with the next door neighbor and I knew if I was in crisis she would be there for me as I would be there for her. I was lucky to make a permanent friend out of her.
When I look back at our time there I see it always being about him, his friends, his work, etc. Only his friends took a liking to me as well. I now know he was trying to manipulate me but because I was distant emotionally he tried other ways to get to me. He tried to make me jealous and tried to keep a short leash on me but I resisted. I liked the guy he pretended to be when things were good but there were times when I couldn't stand to be near him. He couldn't withhold affection to get to me because I didn't want it.
After six months he finally figured out how to get to me and he slept with someone else. I was actually tempted to hit him when I found out but I held back. I'm beginning to think that he knew I wasn't scared of a punch and that I would fight back like an animal trapped in a corner.
I'm still surprised that I even got involved with a guy that hits women and I wish I could have done something to warn his new ex girlfriend about what little I knew. He was a bastard, he lied to get what he wanted and he tried to turn mutual friends against me. I think the problem was that everyone knew he was a liar and everyone knew that I was exactly as I was, what you see is what you get. So needless to say they never turned their backs on me, although he still hung out with us because he still was that fun person in those group settings.
I still can see him trying to get near me and touch me with his new girlfriend in the other room. I remember how disgusted I was that I dated such a sleaze. I just didn't know how much of a terrible person he really was.
I can't help but wonder what kept him from trying to hit me. Was it because of my emotional distance? My ability to go without physical affection? I've had issues with getting close to anyone for a long time and I've never been afraid to be alone. Was it because he knew my story and that I was willing to up and leave with just the clothing on my back for a fresh start and he knew I would do it again if I needed to? Maybe the roles had been reversed and he didn't get what he bargained for with me. I wonder if he thought I'd be an easy target given my history and I turned out to be different.
I know that smart women get trapped in abusive relationships and that it could happen to anyone, I just can't wrap my head around why it didn't happen to me. If I knew I would spread the word and let people know but the only thing I can think of is that my emotional and physical distance has kept me from it. I'm a loner, I don't like being touched, I could sit for hours in silence with someone and be fine with it. I don't fear being alone the rest of my life, if I never get married I'm okay with it. Maybe my social retardation is what has kept me from ending up there.
I've lived in bad places and worked in worse, I took kick boxing for a few years and carried a weapon to protect myself. I've never really trusted anyone and to many it would be a lonely life but I like it this way. I always liked living in my own head without having to answer to anyone. I'm almost 30 and I've become quite comfortable with myself, I do have a serious boyfriend and we have been together for a while now. We have been through many things and I trust this one, he lets me be me and puts up with my quirks. I feel fortunate that I didn't get trapped by J and I know that it probably has a lot to do with the timing and the way things worked out, that I didn't.
He is a bastard and his life is not a good one. I've heard that a lot of his friends are severing ties with him and he is getting his due. I have no feelings of anger or bitterness towards him. I just can't believe I dated a man who beats women. If I had met him 10 years ago I may have become a victim of his.
This rambling note still hasn't cleared anything up for me but it feels good to get it out there and if anyone learns anything from this I hope it helps.
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