It is the middle of the night again and I can't sleep. My brain keeps ticking, it seems to go into overdrive when I want the most to sleep. It is so common, I could fall asleep at any time during the day until mid afternoon but after that I'm wide awake until 5am no matter what time I woke up.
I spend a lot of time alone thinking and I put together social situations in my head where I come out on top and am behaving perfectly. The problem is I have terrible social anxiety. I think it stems from trust issues. I feel like I analyze myself constantly, I probably could have a degree in psychology.
Because of my social anxiety I tend to shy away from going out and spending time with people. I have trust issues when I go out I constantly panic about what people's intentions are. I've had some serious things happen to me growing up that made me distrust people and I've never really gotten over it.
The only time I feel really comfortable around anyone, without the aid of alcohol, is when I'm at work because I know what people want from me. When I'm out on my own and I see people look at me or try to approach me I want to run away. I'm not worried about being hurt, but I just really don't want to talk to them.
I realize that the way I look can draw some attention and the way I dress isn't exactly normal so people think I might be more outgoing than I am. I try to tone it down but I don't put that much thought into what others might think about what I wear because I just love clothes, and I love makeup. I put it on for myself but I know that it might look like I'm making an effort to attract attention.
What I notice the most are the looks from guys, while it might be a nice ego boost it always makes me feel confused because I was raised in a fundamentalist home where I was constantly told that if I draw attention from men it is my fault. If men lusted after me because of what I wore I was the one to blame. It has left me very messed up and no matter how much distance I put between myself, my past and what I was taught I can't seem to get over this hurdle.
I recently got back to work and am feeling pretty comfortable, I work with mostly women but there is one guy who works there that I have yet to work with but I've seen going in to get my paycheck and during some of our training.
I know he has a slight crush on me and I'm not being paranoid. I notice when I go in he has that look, his eyes light up and he constantly stares. I am very flattered and it is all very innocent as he never invades my personal space or anything like that but I'm not equipped to handle this kind of situation. I'm not really equipped to deal with many situations as I was pretty much groomed to just be a wife and mother.
I was homeschooled after 6th grade and was told that I was supposed to get married as soon as I could so I could start a family. I never wanted any of that. All I ever wanted was to get away from it but it was difficult to get away from years of isolation. While I was never lonely I spent most of my time alone because I didn't want to have to listen to reasons why I needed to buckle down and find someone. I was a teenager and I only wanted control over my own life, I didn't want to have to just switch from my parents to some man controlling me.
Basically it all boils down to strange men make me uncomfortable. I have some control issues and trust issues because I was told never to trust men but to let them take control. Where does that leave me when a guy has a crush on me and I have to see them occasionally? Well maybe this time I will handle it okay without making a mess of it. The last time at another place I worked a young guy who worked with me had quite the crush on me and I did my best to keep my distance but as his boss I had to make sure he did his job. He was a hard worker so every compliment was taken as something more. I felt way too old for him but things were strained before I left that job because I know I didn't handle it quite so well. I moved on and found out he quit shortly after.
Time will only tell if this is just a short lived crush or another train wreck about to happen. I wish I could do things without worrying about these stupid little issues, I wish I hadn't been told over and over again that men only want one thing. I've had male friends that I didn't sleep with and they had no intention of sleeping with me either. So I know it can happen but the fear of messes keeps me from venturing out, keeps me from wanting to talk to people.
I suppose it doesn't really matter if I ever "get it" because I'm pretty happy spending my time alone. I've never really understood what it was like to feel lonely or what people were talking about when they talked about wanting someone so desperately and fearing about dying alone. I've always been quite content to just do things on my own.
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